The Opposing Quarterbacks Club
By John Kreinbihl
Boiler Up? No, probably more Boiler Down and Boiler Out
There was quite a bit of activity around the Club this week because the Gluttony Grill franchise opened a new location in the vacant space in the building. The crowds were unbelievable. Everyone wanted to try the deep fried doughnut pizzas; chicken wing and spinach dip soup; pulled pork smoothies and the bacon sausage turducken wraps. Knowing the doorman likes a strong drink, I bribed him with a Mac and Cheese Martini and he let me hide the microphones.
Here is the transcript form the meeting:
Moderator: Welcome to this week’s edition of the Opposing Quarterbacks Club. Last Saturday night may not have been a thing of beauty, but the Buckeyes did come out on top to go to 7-0. More wins means more members and today we’ll officially welcome two new members and have the opportunity to meet this week’s guest. Before we get into the meat of the agenda, I’ll start with the roll call. Dysert?
Dysert: I’m here.
Moderator: Blake Bortles?
Moderators: Our UAB Dragons, Perry and Brown?
Brown: Both here.
Moderator: The 3M boys, Maynard, Maxwell and Martinez?
Maxwell: Present and accounted for Mr. Moderator.
Moderator: And finally our two newest members, Indiana’s Cam Coffman and Nate Sudfeld?
Sudfeld: Me too.
Moderator: Seven games into the season and nine new members this year so we’re actually right on schedule and that’s a good thing.
Coffman: You planned for both Nate and I to be here?
Moderator: Actually, in our planning process back in the spring, we estimated three from Indiana would be enshrined this year due to, well, you’re Indiana, and we figured at least two QB’s would be hurt in your game forcing three to play. The fact that you both made it through is quite a surprise, but Austin Brown is our “bonus baby” this year as we didn’t see him playing. So the nine jackets we had allocated to this point are all in use.
Sudfeld: How many are you planning to have at the end of the year?
Moderator: Relax, Nate. Leave that up to me, you just mark your calendar and show up each week.
Perry: If you guys had any defense, you wouldn’t be here. How do you score 49 points and lose?
Coffman: It was a huge step in the right direction for our program. We went toe-to-toe with one of the top teams in the country; gave them all they could handle; and were in it to the very end. It’s the kind of game that can give us a lot of motivation and propel us forward.
Bortles: I’ve heard of teams squeaking out a win, but that’s the first time I’ve heard someone talk about squeaking out a loss.
Maynard: And to be honest, while you guys did play a lot better than expected, it was against a less than full strength OSU defense. No Nate Williams, a dinged up secondary and so few healthy linebackers they moved their fullback to linebacker during practices that week. Had Travis Howard not returned to the game, they would have been forced to use a back-up guard at cornerback.
Sudfeld: We moved the ball and gave them looks they weren’t ready for. Injuries are part of the game but it can’t take away from what we accomplished.
Dysert: What you accomplished was an eighteenth consecutive loss to Ohio State. That’s something you can take a lot of pride in. Can’t you see yourself holding your grandson on your knee and telling him how you did all you could to keep Indiana winless against the Buckeyes over a span of two Centuries and four Presidents? Sorta brings a tear to your eye doesn’t it?
Coffman: We had over 480 yards in offense, Nate and I completed over 50% of our passes—and we had several dropped—we didn’t throw an interception and we weren’t sacked. The statistics speak for themselves.
Martinez: A couple of thoughts. First, you did have some drops early in the game. It looked liked your guys had Cee Lo Green arms. Either that or you borrowed Maxwell’s guys because they drop everything he throws. And second, stats mean squat here. We all had good games, some of us had our best games against the Bucks, but the motto of this place isn’t, “no sacks and you don’t have to come back”, it’s “if you don’t win, come on in”.
Maxwell: And since you didn’t, you did.
Brown: By the way, your jackets look good on you.
Sudfeld: We also had a ton of big plays against Ohio State—long runs, deep pass plays, a blocked punt, the onside kick—we did things none of you guys did.
Bortles: Really? Nobody here had big plays against the Bucks? Maynard, did you guys have any big plays when you played OSU?
Maynard: Well, we only managed 512 yards of offense in the game so our TD runs of 59 and 81 yards and a 36 yard completion probably don’t merit “big play” consideration like the high-powered Hoosier offense.
Bortles: Martinez: No big plays in your game, right?
Martinez: Other than a 73 yard run, a 74 yard pass and stopping them on a fake punt, nope.
Coffman: OK, we get it.
Dysert: Good, then sit down and stop with the “we almost beat them” stuff.
Moderator: Excellent discussion guys, but it is time to turn our attention to this week’s match-up between Ohio State and the Purdue Boilermakers. Joining us today is Caleb TerBush, a 6’5” 225 lb. Senior who will lead his team into Ohio Stadium on Saturday.
Perry: What’s his name?
Moderator: Caleb TerBush.
Moderator: So far this season Caleb is completing 61% of his passes with 74 completions on 121 attempts for 8 touchdowns. He’s thrown 6 interceptions.
Martinez: I’ll bet that number will increase by couple on Saturday.
Bortles: I have a question, hasn’t Purdue been playing more than one quarterback in their games? Where’s the other guy?
Moderator: Indeed they have Blake, but on Tuesday, Purdue Head Coach Danny Hope said Caleb will start and see a sustained amount of playing time against the Buckeyes. In fact, Coach Hope admitted, and I quote, “he may have yanked TerBush too early in the game against Wisconsin”.
Dysert: And, you never want to yank your TerBush too early.
Moderator: Caleb and Boilermakers head to Columbus looking to improve on their 3-3 record and get their first conference win on Saturday. Welcome Caleb.
Bortles: It’s Caleb TerBush? How you spell your last name?
TerBush: Capital T, e-r, Capital B, u-s-h
Bortles: So you’re a quarTerBack, right?
Maxwell: Very nice Bortles. Caleb, as a fellow Big Ten quarterback, let me help with a little insight on what you can expect Saturday. The Buckeyes will TerRorize and TerRify you; you’ll be unable to manage the TerRain; you won’t get the ball out of your own TerRitory and you’ll last as long as a tray of TerIyaki chicken in a room full of sumo wrestlers. Totally TerMinated like TerRestrial TerRapins trying to cross the 405 Freeway during rush hour.
TerBush: I’ve watched a ton of film and we know the Buckeyes tendencies.
Perry: Their #1 tendency to this point in the year is winning. So what are your plans to reverse that trend?
TerBush: I’ve been working with Coach Hope and I think we have a good gameplan prepared. We hope we can exploit a few of their defensive weaknesses and we hope we can keep their offense off the field.
Maynard: It’ll take a lot more than hope. In fact, if you had Coach Hope, Bob Hope, Hope Solo, Hope and Change and Hope Floats, I still wouldn’t give you guys a chance of winning.
Coffman: Hope Floats? You mean that Sandra Bullock movie?
Maynard: No, Hope Floats, the drink.
Coffman: How do you make a Hope float?
Martinez: It’s easy. Take one Purdue football Coach, add two scoops of vanilla ice cream and Root Beer.
Bortles: I’d suggest you bring both Coach Hope and Coach Prayer if you have any intentions of beating the Bucks.
TerBush: Our defense will have their hands full, but I know they’ll “Boiler Up” and get the job done. Plus, we think defensively the Buckeyes are struggling and we can create mismatches with our schemes.
Dysert: Caleb, I’ve been here every week and it is amazing to me how much of the information we try to share with the “newbies” goes in one ear and out the other. If I were you, I wouldn’t count on the Buckeyes bringing a struggling defense into this game. Want proof? When Maynard first came here, the talk was about the OSU D-line not getting pressure and sacking the quarterback. Maynard was sure he’d have all day in the pocket and the next thing you know he’s sacked more times than eggs and milk at a grocery store. Maxwell showed up and boasted they’d make big plays because the Bucks were having tackling issues and except for one play, they knocked every Spartan to the ground with solid fundamental technique. After the Indiana game, Coach Meyer expressed frustration with their defense effort so I’d expect the OSU defense to play like they have your playbook. They’ll be two steps ahead of you throughout the game. History will repeat itself. What you’ve seen on film and what you’ll get Saturday are two very different things.
Maynard: He’s right TerBush. You’ll be facing an angry bunch of Buckeyes Saturday. I see you guys have been sacked 15 times this season. I’m guessing if you asked Coach Meyer how many sacks he wants from his defense in this game, 15 would be on the low end.
TerBush: We’ll try and move the pocket to help our O-Line and when we get in the Red Zone, we’re very efficient—20 scores in 22 chances. If we stay out of “third and long” situations, we’ll be fine.
Brown: Defensively, you’ve had trouble stopping the run lately. That guy from Michigan ran for 235 yards and Montee Ball had 247 last week, so that doesn’t bode well for you guys.
Perry: So based on that Austin, how many yards do you think Miller will get Saturday?
Brown: Miller will get about a thousand and I figure Carlos Hyde is good for another 700.
Martinez: With Purdue ranked 11th in the league in total defense, that sounds about right.
Bortles: Don’t forget about Devin Smith. He’s burned 3 or 4 of these guys. He got Dysert with a one handed grab, he got Maynard, his TD against Maxwell was the difference in that game and perhaps Coffman and Sudfeld remember #15 running into the end zone all alone like the lepers at Kalaupapa before Father Damien arrived.
Maxwell: Father Damien, Mother Nature, Brothers Grimm and Sister Sledge, you’ll need them all and more if you think you’ll walk out of Ohio Stadium with a W.
TerBush: We’ll see.
Bortles: What we’ll see is you here next week. As they said on the Beverly Hillbillies, y’all come back now…
Moderator: Gentlemen, that’s all the time we have for today. Good luck in your games this week and we’ll be back same time, same place next week. Wea re officially adjourned.