The Opposing Quarterbacks Club
By John Kreinbill
The Opposing Quarterbacks Club Weekly Meeting
UCF ICF WeallCF
Well, another football season is upon us and unlike the swallows at San Juan Capistrano which return every year, the Opposing Quarterbacks Club is back after a long absence.
The Club had to suspend operations several years ago due to a series of failed financial endeavors ranging from bankrolling monstrous movie flops like “The Adventures of Pluto Nash”; “Gigli”; and “My Big Fat Independent Movie” as well as believing Circuit City, Washington Mutual, Enron and Pets.com were solid businesses with bright futures.
Speculative investments in opportunities such as Beach Bowling; Miss Muffets, a chain of restaurants specializing in curds and whey; Clone King, a take off of Fotomat, a franchise business offering photocopying services in small castles located in shopping center parking lots; and Rich Rodriguez as Michigan’s head coach didn’t help either.
Undaunted, the Club’s Board of Directors pooled parts of 78 weeks of unemployment benefits with $150 in stimulus dollars and $25 in slot “Free Play” from a local casino and re-opened this year in an undisclosed location not far from O-Zone World Headquarters.
A batch of “slut brownies”—everything goes in them—and the latest Captain and Tennille CD was all it took for this roving reporter to bribe the doorman, gain access to the club and hide the microphone.
Here is the transcript of the meeting:
Moderator: Welcome to the first meeting of the Opposing Quarterbacks Club for the 2012 season. We are pleased to once again to meet, educate and prepare the men who have been given the task of facing the Ohio State Buckeyes this season. Our guests will find out, first hand, what the experience is like and what they can expect when they take the field.
We have two guests today. Our first guest is Zac Dysert, Senior quarterback from Miami(OH) who faced the Bucks in the season opener and our second guest is Blake Bortles, Sophomore quarterback from the University of Central Florida who will lead his Knights into Ohio Stadium this Saturday. Zac, would you please tell Blake what he can expect?
Dysert: Based on my experience, expect to lose by about 40 points.
Moderator: Zac, you threw for over 300 yards against the Bucks. That’s not something a lot of quarterbacks can say.
Dysert: Yeah, but most of those came in the first couple of series when they were trying to adjust to our schemes. Our offense is a passing offense but I threw it 53 times last week and that was close to as many attempts as I’ve had in a game.
Bortles: We’re more of a “downhill running team”, did you have success running the ball?
Dysert: We ran the ball twenty times for minus 1 yard. I’m guessing your definition of success might be a little different.
Bortles: We rushed for over 200 yards in our opener.
Dysert: Who did you play?
Dysert: Really? You’re trying to gauge your performance against Akron as an indication of success against Ohio State? That’s like training for a Triathlon by walking to your neighbor’s house and drinking beers in his pool.
Bortles: We ran the ball effectively. Latavius Murray had 108 yards and he averaged 7.7 yards per carry.
Dysert: And you’ll feature him against OSU?
Bortles: Um, well, no. He’s injured and probably won’t play.
Dysert: So you’re going to face an Urban Meyer defense that is pretty pissed they gave up 10 points to us with a running gameplan and a back-up carrying the ball. Solid strategy, bro.
Bortles: I think Coach Meyer respects us. I read online he said we were a “Big Ten caliber” team.
Dysert: That’s what he said. Here’s what he meant, you guys remind him of Indiana. You know that eccentric old widow that lives down the street and she tells everyone in the neighborhood that she’s now seeing a nice man in the oil industry and you find out he works at a Jiffy Lube? Same thing. IU:B1G::Jiffy Lube:Oil Industry.
Bortles: Our offense is balanced. I was 13-16 for 168 yards and three TD’s last week and one of our strengths is our offensive line. I’ve seen Simon, Goebel and Hankins on film and they are good players but I think our O-line can handle them. There will be holes for us to run and time for me to throw.
Dysert: And while your exhausting all your energy containing those three, Shazier, Sabino, Williams and a bunch of unbelievable freshman d-linemen will make your life miserable. And speaking of your offense, since you guys are the Knights can you run all over the place or do you have to move forward or backward two spaces and over one each play?
Bortles: Very funny, but I do think this game will be a real chess match. Two good teams, two good coaches and a lot of strategy.
Dysert: Then write this move down. Spence to QB 1. Checkmate.
Moderator: Blake, has Coach O’Leary talked to you guys about the atmosphere at The Horseshoe? It can be an intimidating place to play.
Bortles: We’re an experienced team and we have a lot of confidence. We’ll walk in to Ohio Stadium with our chests out and our heads high.
Dysert: And at some point in the game you’ll find yourself on the bench with a bruised sternum and your head between your knees.
Bortles: Mr. Moderator, so if I understand this club correctly, if I lose on Saturday I have to come back here every week and share some of my experiences with the next quarterback playing the Bucks?
Bortles: And if I win?
Moderator: Then this will be your last meeting.
Bortles: I have a feeling I’ll be one and done.
Dysert: And I know you’ll be here next week with me. Would you like to put your lunch order in now to save time?
Moderator: Blake I’m not necessarily agreeing with Zac, but in researching the 2012 edition of UCF, I see while the Black Knights have never played OSU, they are 0-6 all time versus the Big Ten. Additionally, the last time UCF played an Urban Meyer coached team was 2006 versus Florida. The Gators won 42-0. My job responsibilities do not include picking who wins or loses, I merely make sure these meetings are run according to the rules of the club. However, my experience tells me if I were you, I’d leave this day and time open on your calendar for the rest of the year.
Bortles: So Zac, were there any positives from playing Ohio State?
Dysert: Even though we didn’t win I heard there were scouts from the godaddy.com Bowl and since Ohio State can’t go to a bowl this year, that can only mean they we looking at us. We win 6 games and we could find ourselves in Mobile, Alabama, next January. There are worse places to be.
Bortles: Yeah, here.
Dysert: This place kinda grows on you. Mr. Moderator Guy is a good dude, beer’s cold, bar’s stocked and the food’s good. Plus they put a cool jacket on you at your first meeting.
Bortles: Like winning the Masters.
Dysert: More like trying on tuxedos for a wedding you don’t want to go to, but sure, run with the Master’s thing.
Bortles: I wouldn’t count on me being here next week Zac. Like the song says, “Simply the best. Better than all the rest. Better than anyone…”
Dysert: Actually the song will be more like this… “ninety-nine pieces of Bortles on the field, ninety-nine pieces of Bortles, the Bucks will take him down and toss him around, 98 pieces of Bortles on the field…”
Moderator: Gentlemen, that’s all the time we have for today. Meeting adjourned.